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Thursday, December 04, 2008
New nickname
It appears that my pal the Tough Man has a new nickname for me. It goes (insert my first name here) then say bad word that starts with an F and ends in -ing (insert my last name). Of course I am protecting myself by not throwing my name out for the world to see. Could you imagine the legions of readers that would look me up?
OK, so I take $500 out of the Moose tournament, which is actually held at the HHCC, win around $150 the night before playing bingo SNGs, and pocket another $100 the Saturday before in a short handed cash game. So, how much did the wife get, well only $200. That's right, I was able to keep most of my winnings, which is a nice bankroll builder, so I am pretty much set for Tunica in January. I'll also be able to turn over most of my Christmas money to the wifey to bolster the savings--you do know the economy is not so good right? Also, by now you should know we are rolling to SAMMY's place Jan. 29th through Feb. 1st, right? I called today and got booked for a poker room rate, in case we need the extra room. Mundus was nice enough to tell me the online B-connected system for Sam's Town is operational finally.
Good luck to all and to all a good night! See you in a bout 9 days, headed to Disney tomorrow.
OK, so I take $500 out of the Moose tournament, which is actually held at the HHCC, win around $150 the night before playing bingo SNGs, and pocket another $100 the Saturday before in a short handed cash game. So, how much did the wife get, well only $200. That's right, I was able to keep most of my winnings, which is a nice bankroll builder, so I am pretty much set for Tunica in January. I'll also be able to turn over most of my Christmas money to the wifey to bolster the savings--you do know the economy is not so good right? Also, by now you should know we are rolling to SAMMY's place Jan. 29th through Feb. 1st, right? I called today and got booked for a poker room rate, in case we need the extra room. Mundus was nice enough to tell me the online B-connected system for Sam's Town is operational finally.
Good luck to all and to all a good night! See you in a bout 9 days, headed to Disney tomorrow.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Nothing a pair of scissors won't fix!
Ahhhhhh, today I really do have something to talk about. So I head to the doctor on Friday, not a bit concerned or nervous. Sure I was gonna get my man sack sliced open, but I was not anxious. This day has been coming for a couple years, so after not one but two cancellations due to my wife and father (I refuse to explain this part) I was getting snipped. The doctor was fabulous and I expect would be a good time outside the office. So the pre-snip consult went something like this..
Doctor: Kids, how old?
ME: 6 & 8
Doctor: What have you been using for birth control?
Wife: Pull and pray
Doctor: Get some condoms and have some fun!
Wife: Nope, I don't like the way they feel.
So, since my wife had already taken over the consult, the rest of this story should be no major surprise, but I hope entertaining. We head in the surgery room and the nurse starts getting me fixed up with surgical dressings etc. I compromise the surgical field by arranging my junk and the nurse lets me know that I can not do that. I oblige by removing my hand from the 'sterile field' but I think it only normal to feel yourself up one last time because you never know what might happen after your bag is opened up. So, during this time my wife is feeling nauseous, nope not because her husband is getting the knife, because she is just feeling bad. She actually was not in favor of the procedure and has been holding out for an oops child. Sorry honey, but that's not the way I handle my rig. Finally the doctor arrives (there is Mexican dance music playing in the background) and he proceeds to shoot my bag to numb it up. My wife then excuses herself to the adjoining bathroom off the surgical room. So a few minutes later she is selling Buicks, and the doctor is worried about her!! That's right, I said the doctor, who I might add is knuckle deep in my ball sack is hollering into the bathroom, "Are you OK honey?" Well, she was flat tossing her cookies! Long story short my wife steals my sympathy from all medical staff--what BS! Even though I don't really think I got the attention I deserved from the nurse (because my wife was sucking it all up) I decide that I am pumped because the procedure is over. The nurse applies gauze and a pad and puts my undies on me. So, you know it looks like I have a monster rod at this point, because I did tuck my shirt in. The nurse looks at my package protruding from my shorts in all its glory and says somewhat firmly, "untuck your shirt". I'm like no, I want to show this thing off. I mean really, I just got done going through a surgery, and I can't say that I really represented myself very well, considering my manhood was damn near invisible. Seriously, I'm not kidding, I was hung like a two year old--stage fright maybe? The nurse then quite boldly untucks my shirt and we walk out of the room, and I saunter past the nurses station feeling quite good about the bulge I am sporting. The nurse asks the doctor if there was any 'crazy juice' in the shots he gave me, and proceeds to tell him and the other nurses I wanted to show off my 'package' as I walked down the hall. The doctor loves it and gives me a high five (one of the real ones that actually stings your hand).
A sample must be collected in three months and sent to the lab for analysis. Apparently 30% test sperm free at that time, so I am hoping to get it in bad like normal and catch a three outter.
Doctor: Kids, how old?
ME: 6 & 8
Doctor: What have you been using for birth control?
Wife: Pull and pray
Doctor: Get some condoms and have some fun!
Wife: Nope, I don't like the way they feel.
So, since my wife had already taken over the consult, the rest of this story should be no major surprise, but I hope entertaining. We head in the surgery room and the nurse starts getting me fixed up with surgical dressings etc. I compromise the surgical field by arranging my junk and the nurse lets me know that I can not do that. I oblige by removing my hand from the 'sterile field' but I think it only normal to feel yourself up one last time because you never know what might happen after your bag is opened up. So, during this time my wife is feeling nauseous, nope not because her husband is getting the knife, because she is just feeling bad. She actually was not in favor of the procedure and has been holding out for an oops child. Sorry honey, but that's not the way I handle my rig. Finally the doctor arrives (there is Mexican dance music playing in the background) and he proceeds to shoot my bag to numb it up. My wife then excuses herself to the adjoining bathroom off the surgical room. So a few minutes later she is selling Buicks, and the doctor is worried about her!! That's right, I said the doctor, who I might add is knuckle deep in my ball sack is hollering into the bathroom, "Are you OK honey?" Well, she was flat tossing her cookies! Long story short my wife steals my sympathy from all medical staff--what BS! Even though I don't really think I got the attention I deserved from the nurse (because my wife was sucking it all up) I decide that I am pumped because the procedure is over. The nurse applies gauze and a pad and puts my undies on me. So, you know it looks like I have a monster rod at this point, because I did tuck my shirt in. The nurse looks at my package protruding from my shorts in all its glory and says somewhat firmly, "untuck your shirt". I'm like no, I want to show this thing off. I mean really, I just got done going through a surgery, and I can't say that I really represented myself very well, considering my manhood was damn near invisible. Seriously, I'm not kidding, I was hung like a two year old--stage fright maybe? The nurse then quite boldly untucks my shirt and we walk out of the room, and I saunter past the nurses station feeling quite good about the bulge I am sporting. The nurse asks the doctor if there was any 'crazy juice' in the shots he gave me, and proceeds to tell him and the other nurses I wanted to show off my 'package' as I walked down the hall. The doctor loves it and gives me a high five (one of the real ones that actually stings your hand).
A sample must be collected in three months and sent to the lab for analysis. Apparently 30% test sperm free at that time, so I am hoping to get it in bad like normal and catch a three outter.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Facing Fears and MilkShake Anyone?
OK, I got back in the pool yesterday because I want the pool clean. However, I just can't get all the leaves out. Sorry fellas, I failed on this project. The pool will not be clean when you arrive. I still have to work on the office room, specifically the lights, clean up the van, finish spreading mulch, reseed areas of the back yard, and pack. This aint gonna happen before Friday.
I thought of blogging about all the possible events that could take place to upset our Tunica voyage. I shared that with Guitar Hero himself. But now I have thought better of that. So, in honor of Stroker, now the infamous Guitaor Hero--I present this tribute photo, enjoy.
Guitar Queero is the best named show of all time. This feels like an all time low, but with the grin on his face above, maybe its an all time high!
And then there is this cheap impersonation for a person:
WEll, I must apologize, it appears that there is documented proof that you have had a drink in your hand within the last decade or so. I bet you poured half of that one out. And, don't even try to blame it on your epilepsy either. On second thought, on the way to my house on Friday morning, pick up a gallon of milk, then if you have one of your spazz out fits then we can all have milkshakes on the way down to Tunica.
Peace and I'm Audi
I thought of blogging about all the possible events that could take place to upset our Tunica voyage. I shared that with Guitar Hero himself. But now I have thought better of that. So, in honor of Stroker, now the infamous Guitaor Hero--I present this tribute photo, enjoy.
Guitar Queero is the best named show of all time. This feels like an all time low, but with the grin on his face above, maybe its an all time high!And then there is this cheap impersonation for a person:
WEll, I must apologize, it appears that there is documented proof that you have had a drink in your hand within the last decade or so. I bet you poured half of that one out. And, don't even try to blame it on your epilepsy either. On second thought, on the way to my house on Friday morning, pick up a gallon of milk, then if you have one of your spazz out fits then we can all have milkshakes on the way down to Tunica.Peace and I'm Audi
Monday, May 12, 2008
Hypothermia--Mother's Day Boo Boo
Well, my weekend didn't go as planned. I had several items on my list to complete, and barely scratched the surface. I did get the garage cleaned, and for the first time in years, two vehicles have been parked inside the garage. That is cool. But how long can it really last?
I was able to power wash the patio, clean out part of the shed and finish planting. I finished mulching around the swimming pool and flower area. Those are all positives, but honestly, most of this work was completed on Friday, as I didn't make it in to work.
I woke at 5 AM on Saturday and helped my wife get ready for the day long Girl Scout adventure to Lincoln city. Some type of bi-centennial celebration. I was not extremely motivated early and ended up playing online poker for a couple of hours. I decided it was time to get in the pool and extract the leaves that were laying lifeless at the bottom of the pool, since my pool cover slipped off during the winter. I entered the pool, and to no one's surprise it was COLD! Now, I don't mind cold all that much because eventually your body adjusts and one can go about their business. Well, not this day. It was so cold I hurt, but never numbed out. But, since I am a man with a nutsack, I stayed in for 2.5 hours trying to get leaves and pine needles from the murky depths. I even took the steps out in order to clean them. I knew all along staying in the pool was a bad idea, but I just couldn't make myself get out. I mean, I was already wet and cold, why not just tough it out and be done with it. Well--no such luck. I'll be frank, I gave up. I just couldn't endure the cold any longer, as my feet were aching and teeth chattering.
The result of this stupendous maneuver was the rest of Saturday accomplishing nothing as I tried to get warm. Can you remember the last time you were bone cold? I finally climbed into bed with sweatpants, socks and long sleeved shirt. I fell asleep and 3 hours later awoke. I was finally warm, but not whole. I felt as if I had been beat up, or stayed out all night partying hard. I was useless the rest of the day. Totally useless.
Then on Sunday, 'Mother's Day', I made an error by not getting a card, and by not purchasing a bag/purse type item. I thought I had the whole bag/purse thing worked out, as I told her to go ahead and buy the bag/purse item, because it was clear she was leaving me hints. So, then on Mother's Day when there is no bag/purse type item she is 'girly' about it. I'm like, we talked about this and I told you just to buy it. I lose that argument obviously, and the evening I was punished emotionally. Short and abrasive tone, coupled with indignant eye rolling and forced conversation was the norm. Luckily this morning, she seemed to have slept it off, and I made the appropriate apologies. All is well again.
Oh, btw, I am thinking of getting back in that pool today. I never said I was smart!
Peace--and don't forget the Girl Scout Bus leaves at 9:15 AM on Friday. If you don't know the destination then you're not part of the crew.
I was able to power wash the patio, clean out part of the shed and finish planting. I finished mulching around the swimming pool and flower area. Those are all positives, but honestly, most of this work was completed on Friday, as I didn't make it in to work.
I woke at 5 AM on Saturday and helped my wife get ready for the day long Girl Scout adventure to Lincoln city. Some type of bi-centennial celebration. I was not extremely motivated early and ended up playing online poker for a couple of hours. I decided it was time to get in the pool and extract the leaves that were laying lifeless at the bottom of the pool, since my pool cover slipped off during the winter. I entered the pool, and to no one's surprise it was COLD! Now, I don't mind cold all that much because eventually your body adjusts and one can go about their business. Well, not this day. It was so cold I hurt, but never numbed out. But, since I am a man with a nutsack, I stayed in for 2.5 hours trying to get leaves and pine needles from the murky depths. I even took the steps out in order to clean them. I knew all along staying in the pool was a bad idea, but I just couldn't make myself get out. I mean, I was already wet and cold, why not just tough it out and be done with it. Well--no such luck. I'll be frank, I gave up. I just couldn't endure the cold any longer, as my feet were aching and teeth chattering.
The result of this stupendous maneuver was the rest of Saturday accomplishing nothing as I tried to get warm. Can you remember the last time you were bone cold? I finally climbed into bed with sweatpants, socks and long sleeved shirt. I fell asleep and 3 hours later awoke. I was finally warm, but not whole. I felt as if I had been beat up, or stayed out all night partying hard. I was useless the rest of the day. Totally useless.
Then on Sunday, 'Mother's Day', I made an error by not getting a card, and by not purchasing a bag/purse type item. I thought I had the whole bag/purse thing worked out, as I told her to go ahead and buy the bag/purse item, because it was clear she was leaving me hints. So, then on Mother's Day when there is no bag/purse type item she is 'girly' about it. I'm like, we talked about this and I told you just to buy it. I lose that argument obviously, and the evening I was punished emotionally. Short and abrasive tone, coupled with indignant eye rolling and forced conversation was the norm. Luckily this morning, she seemed to have slept it off, and I made the appropriate apologies. All is well again.
Oh, btw, I am thinking of getting back in that pool today. I never said I was smart!
Peace--and don't forget the Girl Scout Bus leaves at 9:15 AM on Friday. If you don't know the destination then you're not part of the crew.
Thursday, May 08, 2008
Tunica--Scouts--Cabo--Adapter
I think it only appropriate for me to apologize to the legions of readers/fans whom I have had not had the opportunity to pleasure through this blog as of late. Truth is that I have just been too damn busy. Believe me, I have been just as frustrated as you. Writing is a cathartic exercise for me, and you can imagine how unbearable I must have been with all this pent up energy, emotion, and information. So, let the healing process begin.
In the distance I see a vision, no, not a mirage or delusion. My thirst is unquenchable as I struggle forward to what I believe is reality, what I hope is reality. During this journey I have become weary, but not because of desolate climate or rugged terrain. On this journey I have had to overcome time. That's right mother fuckahs--my ass is headed toward Mississippi in 8 days. I am stoked, pumped, amped, geeked, and most of all READY. Which brings me to a few subjects that I need to get off my chest.
#1 Tough Man is not getting a c-note from Dan--just forget it, and actually don't bring it up again. The issue is dead--lettago. And, that fucking car adapter is never going to work.
#2 Yes Nate, I know your sister is in Cabo--yes she got short changed, yes you have had to cover extra shifts. Listen Atlas, I think your gonna make it.
#3 Stroker--Guitar Hero? Are you fucking serious. Let me know when you make "Fag" level
Jesus, this is disgusting. Can't everyone just see Mundo sitting naked in the green chair, after waxing his mustache jamming out to some Smoke on the Water. So, what's the deal here Mike, you want to suck Jay Cutler off so hard that since he was on an episode of South Park featuring Guitar Hero that you can't help yourself. Nate, I bet if you check through his closet he has a collection of Cutler bobble heads, high school jersey (jock strap probably), science paper, etc.
#4 My favorite Scout hater--Mrs. Estabrook. It seems Adam Ant has got an axe to grind with yours truly. I have been accused of being not tough, smelling like cheap pussy, and driving a Girls Scout Bus. All scathing accusations indeed. Read retort below.
Dear Adam,
Hi Adam this is your pussy talking to you. I know that we don't talk that often but I feel in this instance that is is appropriate. I hurt, please sew me up!
Sincerely,
Adam's Pussy
Well, just as I thought. Adam's pussy hurts. Now this is understandable considering he drinks like a middle school female that is allergic to alcohol, and doesn't have to worry about losing money to gangbangers because its not his in the first place. It just hit me, Adam was kicked out of Girl Scouts and that is where all this anger is coming from. OK, here is another chance, let's recite it together.
http://www.gssgc.org/Forms/GlossaryofGirlScoutTerms.pdf (for you information ADAM)
ME
In the distance I see a vision, no, not a mirage or delusion. My thirst is unquenchable as I struggle forward to what I believe is reality, what I hope is reality. During this journey I have become weary, but not because of desolate climate or rugged terrain. On this journey I have had to overcome time. That's right mother fuckahs--my ass is headed toward Mississippi in 8 days. I am stoked, pumped, amped, geeked, and most of all READY. Which brings me to a few subjects that I need to get off my chest.
#1 Tough Man is not getting a c-note from Dan--just forget it, and actually don't bring it up again. The issue is dead--lettago. And, that fucking car adapter is never going to work.
#2 Yes Nate, I know your sister is in Cabo--yes she got short changed, yes you have had to cover extra shifts. Listen Atlas, I think your gonna make it.
#3 Stroker--Guitar Hero? Are you fucking serious. Let me know when you make "Fag" level
Jesus, this is disgusting. Can't everyone just see Mundo sitting naked in the green chair, after waxing his mustache jamming out to some Smoke on the Water. So, what's the deal here Mike, you want to suck Jay Cutler off so hard that since he was on an episode of South Park featuring Guitar Hero that you can't help yourself. Nate, I bet if you check through his closet he has a collection of Cutler bobble heads, high school jersey (jock strap probably), science paper, etc.
#4 My favorite Scout hater--Mrs. Estabrook. It seems Adam Ant has got an axe to grind with yours truly. I have been accused of being not tough, smelling like cheap pussy, and driving a Girls Scout Bus. All scathing accusations indeed. Read retort below.
Dear Adam,
Hi Adam this is your pussy talking to you. I know that we don't talk that often but I feel in this instance that is is appropriate. I hurt, please sew me up!
Sincerely,
Adam's Pussy
Well, just as I thought. Adam's pussy hurts. Now this is understandable considering he drinks like a middle school female that is allergic to alcohol, and doesn't have to worry about losing money to gangbangers because its not his in the first place. It just hit me, Adam was kicked out of Girl Scouts and that is where all this anger is coming from. OK, here is another chance, let's recite it together.
http://www.gssgc.org/Forms/GlossaryofGirlScoutTerms.pdf (for you information ADAM)
Girl Scout Promise
On my honor I will try:
To serve God* and my country,
To help people at all times,
And to live by the Girl Scout Law.
Girl Scout Law
I will do my best to be
honest and fair,
friendly and helpful,
considerate and caring,
courageous and strong,
responsible for what I say and do,
and to
respect myself and others,
respect authority,
use resources wisely,
make the world a better place, and
be a sister to every Girl Scout.
Here are a few additions I thought it necessary to make:
I will also have more than 2 drinks
per day while in Tunica.
I will not be so retarded if that
is possible.
I will not blame others for my
poor poker play.
I accept that Eric and Tommy
have more knowledge about poker
in there ear lobe than I do in my entire body.
Another issue I wanted to address and I am sure you are dying to know about is, just how am I planning to cope with the eternity that will be the next 8 days. I have a long list, and feel confident that my time will be filled with productive activities.
1. Clean out pool--open for summer. This is more challenging than you think, considering it looks like Shrek's swamp right now.
2. Complete landscaping--plant plants--finish mulching.
3. Complete computer room. My latest addition to my house updating. We converted the girls play room into a home office/home work area. I actually am super proud of this. I need to do some spackling, sanding, painting, and cut out the backs of some book cases and complete the light installation.
4. I need to make sure my newly planted grass keeps growing. The wife actually planted it and it has just started to grow. I am glad it has been raining, because I am not good with watering.
5. Clean out van--make sure outlet is available for Tommy to plug in adapter-HAHAHAHAHAH
6. Clean out garage. This garage is in horrible shape, and it is embarassing.
I think that pretty much summarizes my plan to get through this weekend and the upcoming week. I will also work some, and play some. Well gotta go, I have a lot of stuff to do.
ME
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