Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Nothing a pair of scissors won't fix!

Ahhhhhh, today I really do have something to talk about. So I head to the doctor on Friday, not a bit concerned or nervous. Sure I was gonna get my man sack sliced open, but I was not anxious. This day has been coming for a couple years, so after not one but two cancellations due to my wife and father (I refuse to explain this part) I was getting snipped. The doctor was fabulous and I expect would be a good time outside the office. So the pre-snip consult went something like this..
Doctor: Kids, how old?
ME: 6 & 8
Doctor: What have you been using for birth control?
Wife: Pull and pray
Doctor: Get some condoms and have some fun!
Wife: Nope, I don't like the way they feel.

So, since my wife had already taken over the consult, the rest of this story should be no major surprise, but I hope entertaining. We head in the surgery room and the nurse starts getting me fixed up with surgical dressings etc. I compromise the surgical field by arranging my junk and the nurse lets me know that I can not do that. I oblige by removing my hand from the 'sterile field' but I think it only normal to feel yourself up one last time because you never know what might happen after your bag is opened up. So, during this time my wife is feeling nauseous, nope not because her husband is getting the knife, because she is just feeling bad. She actually was not in favor of the procedure and has been holding out for an oops child. Sorry honey, but that's not the way I handle my rig. Finally the doctor arrives (there is Mexican dance music playing in the background) and he proceeds to shoot my bag to numb it up. My wife then excuses herself to the adjoining bathroom off the surgical room. So a few minutes later she is selling Buicks, and the doctor is worried about her!! That's right, I said the doctor, who I might add is knuckle deep in my ball sack is hollering into the bathroom, "Are you OK honey?" Well, she was flat tossing her cookies! Long story short my wife steals my sympathy from all medical staff--what BS! Even though I don't really think I got the attention I deserved from the nurse (because my wife was sucking it all up) I decide that I am pumped because the procedure is over. The nurse applies gauze and a pad and puts my undies on me. So, you know it looks like I have a monster rod at this point, because I did tuck my shirt in. The nurse looks at my package protruding from my shorts in all its glory and says somewhat firmly, "untuck your shirt". I'm like no, I want to show this thing off. I mean really, I just got done going through a surgery, and I can't say that I really represented myself very well, considering my manhood was damn near invisible. Seriously, I'm not kidding, I was hung like a two year old--stage fright maybe? The nurse then quite boldly untucks my shirt and we walk out of the room, and I saunter past the nurses station feeling quite good about the bulge I am sporting. The nurse asks the doctor if there was any 'crazy juice' in the shots he gave me, and proceeds to tell him and the other nurses I wanted to show off my 'package' as I walked down the hall. The doctor loves it and gives me a high five (one of the real ones that actually stings your hand).

A sample must be collected in three months and sent to the lab for analysis. Apparently 30% test sperm free at that time, so I am hoping to get it in bad like normal and catch a three outter.